An Idiots Guide to Voting in Malawi’s Next General Elections
One of the funniest things about Malawi’s upcoming elections is that I get to vote in them. Me. A known idiot. And as an idiot, I feel it’s up to me to guide others who are just like me on how to approach the elections.
How To Navigate Malawi’s Upcoming Elections
1. Don’t vote at all
You’re lazy and that’s a good thing. Leave the decision of who will lead the next five years to other people. For the first time, election day will be a public holiday. Instead of succumbing to the propaganda that it’s your duty to vote, take the day off. Sleep in. Doomscroll on X. I don’t know, maybe get in touch with your favourite ex. Fill the day with one of your hobbies. Apathy, after all, will get you everywhere.
2. If you do vote, bring vibes, not knowledge
Your vote is not about improving the country—it’s about that dopamine hit you get from pressing an inked finger on a ballot paper and feeling important for a day. Just go so you can post the inked finger on your whatsapp status and social media pages.
3. Vote along tribal lines
Forget policies. Forget manifestos. Just ask yourself one question: “Ndi akwathu?” If yes, vote for them. If not, hiss loud enough for people to hear when you see their face on the ballot. This way, even if they’re incompetent, at least they’ll be your people being incompetent.
4. Don’t find out anything about the candidates
Research is for nerds. Don’t read anything or head analyses by experts (we all know political commentary is a fake job, anyway). Seriously, just trust your gut or vague rumors you overheard in a minibus or your favourite drinking spot watering hole. Who cares? BONUS: don’t even find out who’s running, especially for the MPs and Councillors.
5. Vote for whoever gave you handouts
Did you receive a free t-shirt or “transport” from political proxies? If you did, good! Whoever gave you those freebies earned your vote. By voting for them, you are not only appreciating but advancing developmental initiatives. Consider nothing else but your free gifts lmao.
6. Believe every WhatsApp forward
Why waste time fact-checking when your uncle already sent you a perfectly credible VN from “a guy who knows the real story”? The truth is whatever fits in a 3-minute shaky audio or, even better, whatever BakiliMuluziTV posts.
What About Post-Election?
If your candidate wins, demand new roads and lower prices the very next morning. If it doesn’t happen instantly, accuse them of betrayal and start tweeting in ALL CAPS. Pompo pompo, that’s how it should work and if it doesn’t, raise HELL.
If your candidate doesn’t win, you shouldn’t have voted. That’s literally the first thing I told you! Now look at you.
I just know some people have reached the end of this and are ready to jump my dick over the post. Relax. This is satire. If any of these points sound like your actual voting strategy… I weep for Malawi!
